Heidi Montag chirps her way through another song. The title for her most recent ditty is "Overdosin'" and I'm starting to notice a pattern in her singles. Let's recap here, there's "Higher" and "One More Drink," in addition to her most recent musical venture.

If Heidi's suggesting that someone that a person would have to be so filled with controlled substances that they are about a sneeze away from cardiac arrest in order to enjoy her album, then she's more self-aware than I thought.

Also, Heidi is smart enough not to rely on a singing career to pay the bills. She's chatting up Girls Gone Wild Joe Francis at dinner in STK in West Hollywood. Can you imagine sitting across from those two with two mouths full of giant Chiclet veneers? It's like being in a stable during feeding time.

Check out all the photos of Heidi Montag with Spencer Pratt in the gallery.

Here's Leonardo DiCaprio and his "pussy posse" cohort Lukas Haas running around. Haas fascinates me because he seems to exist on minor film roles, working only now and then, and spending the majority of his time following Leo around from glamorous experience to glamorous experience.

All the sex he has is because he's got Leo. He's basically Johnny Drama, but willowy.

Oh, and guess who that third douche is? Rick Saloman. Yeah - Paris Hilton sex tape, married to Pam Anderson briefly Rick Saloman. What the-? Why don't they just get Joe Francis and his camera and find some underage girls who have been roofied into oblivion and call it a night?

-Rafael Nadal has just moved into the top spot in Tennis. Nice body? Stringy hair? The Spanish player supplanted Roger Federer. Do any of you like tennis? I don't. Let's move on.

-Actor's actor Laurence Fishburne is replacing William Peterson on CBS' top-rated CSI. He won't be a cop, but a college lecturer and pathologist who hooks up with the crime scene team.  If I hadn't had my own dad, I wanted Laurence Fishburne from Boyz in the Hood to be my Dad. He would give me tough love, despite the white.

-Oldie Phil Collins got SCRAH-EWED in his divorce. The wife got $50 million. First off, is he still making that many ducats off the 80s? Secondly, PRENUP you wanker!

Happy 75th birthday to famed auteur and escaped pedophile Roman Polanski!

Mr. Polanski skipped America in the 1970s after he had his way with a 13-year-old girl at a "photoshoot." Now, I haven't seen the documentary about what happened exactly. But we are aware that he obviously doesn't feel like coming back here to experience prosecution, aren't we?

Polanki has created some awesome kick-ass films like Chinatown, Rosemary's Baby, The Pianist, and Repulsion. His talent for filmmaking cannot be denied. His predilection for underage girls can't either. *shiver*

Click any photo to view all 10+ photos of Roman Polanksi in the gallery!

Katherine Heigl was at the "Hot in Hollywood" event the other night, discussing her "lush forest." By her "lush forest," she means her titters. Heigl says that her husband Josh Kelly is obsessed with her rack.

"Joshua always talks about how great they are, but what's that saying? You can't see the forest from the trees. I thought I was only seeing the trees, but apparently, I have a magnificent and lush forest here."

Watch out for the woodchucks.

Oh, and her main homo and co-star T.R. Knight revealed that she's not dying on Grey's Anatomy this season, despite her being a complete douche and publicly stating that the writers don't suck. Who at ABC is protecting her? Has she kidnapped their children?

Click any photo to view all 15+ photos of Katherine Heigl at the Hot In Hollywood event in the gallery!

Roseanne took to her website to blast Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for not coming out and supporting Barack Obama publicly. This crazy bog beast is pissed!

I thought she didn't like Obama. Has someone checked her meds?

In a post addressed to Angie's estranged dad John Voight, Rosie freaks the f*ck out.

"Your evil spawn Angelina Jolie and her vacuous hubby Brad Pitt make about $40 million a year in violent, psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children, trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more," she writes.

Oh shit, did she just refer to Vivienne and Knox as "dunces?" Maddox and head toddler Zahara probably agree. They know that the adopted kids have a better chance at being brilliant than the ones created by Brad's sperm. Brad's not known for his brain cell action.

"Miss Jolie says she likes [John] McCain too and hasn't decided who to endorse....huh?" Roseanne writes. "Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the African daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the Republican party's worldwide economic assault on Africa over the last few decades since Reagan?"

There are people out there who would would shove icepicks into their eyes for Angie and Brad. This bitch better watch out, they will find her.

Click any photo to view all 15+ photos of Roseanne Barr in the gallery!

Kanye West had whoever writes his blog find a whole bunch of pics of Scarlett Johansson. Then ghost writer (you know it ain't him) posted them under the Kanye-directed title of "My Favorite White Girl." What an honor. Is he trying to push Barack Obama out of Scarjo's orbit? That might not fly - Obama has the secret service on his side You might be the head bitch in charge in the front row of the Chanel show, Ye', but they will rendition your ass in a quick second if you interrupt the e-mail love between a future president and his Marilyn Monroe archetype!

Click any photo to view all 10+ photos of a shirtless Kanye West playing some hoops in the gallery!

You know she's like "I can swim too, y'all! I used to go skinny dippin' with Dora Lee and the other girls at them thar swimming hole back in Kentwood all regular-like!" Here's Britney Spears arriving at a recording studio with her assistant, and then leaving.

Are we at the point where Messcake (and inexplicable Bruce Willis moll) Britney is now "the good ole' days?" Is she finally over the hump? She looks clean, and fairly sane. She's going about her business. She's not at a gas station at 3 AM buying roses made out of feathers and pickled sausages or flashing her gap to the photogs. Ok, the hair is fake and I'm not sure what her real hair even looks like anymore. But still, she's kinda got it together.

Click any photo to view all 15+ photos of Britney Spears in the gallery!

Superhuman Olympian Michael Phelps sat down with Matt Lauer to discuss what it's like to hold the record for most gold medals won by an athlete in a single Olympics.

Phelps seems to have his head on straight for someone who's now in the history books and about to become a Tiger Woods-esque multimillionaire in the coming months. Strike while the iron is hot, Phelps!

Also - he's going to get plenty of tail. Women LOVE this dude. He's not my cup of ass, but seriously - the ladies lately are all about long and lean. Get some, Mikey!

Phelps says that what he wants to do right now is go home.

"The biggest thing I'm looking forward to," he told Lauer on Today, "is getting back, seeing my dog, seeing my cars and setting up my new house."

Please buy a robot butler. Rocky did.

Featured in the Gallery: Dana Torres, Michael Phelps, Ian Crocker, Ryan Lochte, Eamon Sullivan, Natalie Coughlin, Rebecca Adlington, Janet Evans, Grant Hackett, Jenny Thompson, Ian Thorpe, Mark Foster and Kristy Coventry.

Click any photo to view all 20+ photos from the Speedo athletes party in the gallery!